Friday, 16 May 2008

Dear Sidney, Please Shave That Mess Off!

It's an annual rite of spring that hockey players grow disgusting-looking beards as they march on towards the Stanley Cup. It's one of the great, unique features of the NHL, and gives guys a real excuse not to shave for a couple of months.

The sad fact is, however, that some guys just can't pull it off, and should just get out the Gillette Mach 3's and get back to their regular shaving rituals.

One such guy is our beloved Sidney Crosby, who has been trying his very hardest to be a big boy and grow a playoff beard. It's really quite sad to see him fail so miserably, given how he's basically kicked ass at everything else in the hockey world.

Now, before you go getting up in my ass about being 'mean', you have realize that Sidney and I share the same slow facial-hair growth that doesn't allow us to look like the Wolf Man. I'm 29, and have to shave only once a week. Ivan Majesky, I am not.

Two years ago, when the Canes went on their long playoff run, I tried to grow a playoff beard just for the hell of it. Despite my efforts, and despite waiting a couple of months, I could never grow a full beard. Much like Sid, it looks like I had a random mass of spots on my neck and face that just refused to allow hair follicles to escape into freedom.

Sidney is just too much of a babyface to pull off a beard, anyway, and comes off looking like trailer trash, albeit well-paid trailer trash. Looking at home now, don't you think he'd be better off sitting on a ratty couch, watching fishing shows, and drinking Bud Light swill?

"But Jes, what if the Penguins lose because Sidney shaved his face?"

Oh, so the Penguins talent, hard work, and tenacious forechecking have nothing to do with their success? It's all about facial hair?


I'd sent Sid some free razorblades, but I'd probably be arrested for mailing weapons or some BS the corrupt authorities would come up with to suppress my rights.

So, next time any of you Pittsburghers you go to a Pens game, bring a sign/placard that asks Sid to get a shave. He needs it.

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